He was the ultimate secret agent for the 21st Century…
… he was John Sond… 000…
… aka Double-O Nothing…
… he liked his can of Coca-Cola shaken
(not stirred) before opening…
… with the end result… being a bloody mess
all over the place…
… but it made the dry-cleaners of London happy…
… after Sond sprayed customers inside restaurants
after ordering a can of Coke…
Today Sond entered the MI-6 laboratory for help
on his next mission…
The doctor-scientist working inside the MI-6
lab was named P …
not to be confused with Q. of James Bond fame…
(every secret service lab must mind its P’s and Q’s) 
“Well John,” began P, “I’ve invented a time
machine to bring people back from the past to
help you on your next mission… Lord Horatio Nelson,
Vincent Van Gogh and Captain Long John Silver…”
“Why those people?” John asked.
“That’s what came up on the machine,” P answered,
“the time operator asked me to insert another one
billion pounds but I didn’t have it on me… so these
are the three we’re stuck with…”
John Sond’s mission was to guard Burlap House
the ancestral home of Lord Burlap where the Burlap
Diamond was kept…
… he must prevent the Burlap Diamond from being stolen by
Swiss terrorists (a group of unemployed Swiss watch makers
who lost their jobs after the downturn in the global economy
and turned to a life of crime)….
Lord Horatio Nelson kept guard in the house tower…
… his job was to watch for the terrorists…
Vincent Van Gogh’s job was to listen at the door for
the sound of the terrorists approaching…
Captain Long John Silver’s job was to run after
the terrorists should they actually manage to steal
the diamond…
and John Sond Double-O Nothing’s job was to
oversee the mission…
Penelope Cruz the well-known actress showed up
at Burlap House in an evening dress, sexy black nylons
and spiked stiletto heels so John Sond took her to the
upstairs bedroom and proceeded to make out with her…
Lord Nelson was getting bored while waiting for
the Swiss terrorists to show so he started to open
a bottle of champagne but unfortunately for his
Lordship while opening the bottle, the cork popped
out suddenly and hit Nelson in his one good eye (Nelson’s
other eye having been blinded in a great naval battle)…
… the end result was that Nelson didn’t see the
Swiss terrorists approaching…
… Meanwhile Vincent Van Gogh was standing
at the door listening for any sound of the Swiss
terrorists approaching…
… he was chewing a piece of bubble gum and blew
a huge bubble…
… which unfortunately popped and got stuck in Vincent’s
sole remaining ear (Vincent had cut his other ear off in
what turned out to be an ill-conceived and ultimately unsuccessful
attempt to impress and win back his ex-girlfriend)…
… the end result was that Vincent couldn’t hear the terrorists
approaching…
… once inside the house the terrorists were able
to successfully steal the diamond…
… as John Sond Double O-Nothing wasn’t guarding the diamond…
… since he was busy being spanked by Penelope Cruz who had assumed
the role of a dominatrix in the bedroom for Sond’s erotic pleasure…
Once outside the house, the Swiss terrorists ran with the diamond
to their waiting taxi cab…
Captain Long John Silver ran after the terrorists
but unfortunately got his one good leg caught in
a bear trap (the Burlap estate was having problems
with bears coming in to swipe honey from the estate’s
bee hives)…
… Silver’s other leg was a peg leg (he had
lost his real leg after beating a shark in a
chess game on a Caribbean beach and the
shark turned out to be a poor loser)!
The end result was the Swiss terrorists got
away with the Burlap diamond…
In a confidential report later submitted to British
Prime Minister Gordon Brown, the head of
MI-6 admitted that MI-6’s mission to guard
and protect the Burlap diamond had been
an abysmal failure…
The End.
Dracul Van Helsing